So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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