Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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