she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
