I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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