Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
