So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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