Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
