Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
