did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize