why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
