he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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