I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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