That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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