So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
