Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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