sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
