I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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