I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
