I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
