Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
