I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
