Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize