I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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