Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
