FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize