I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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