My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
