I just pynch a tree in the face
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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