I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
