I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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