i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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