I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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