I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
