i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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