It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
