omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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