New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
