fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
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