Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
