I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
