Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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