i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just google imaged poop.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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