going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
