strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize