God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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