Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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