Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
