Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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