after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
a search helicopter?!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
