nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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