I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I have post one night stand depression
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