Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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