I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
