Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
