not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
