apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize