I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
