I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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