It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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