I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
