i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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