the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
