You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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