Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
