Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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