she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
