Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
