every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
