i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You made out with two different species that night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize